Lost in Confusion: a side note

I feel that I am rather a reclusive person living here in NYC. It's very much unlike me. Back at home, I was always going out doing something and it's Arizona so one would think there isn't much to do. Al contraire! Here obviously there are TONS of things to do, but for some reason I don't have the motivation to go out and experience them!

Partly, it's exhausting doing anything. You have to walk around everywhere (which I adore don't get me wrong, but it gets tiring). Then you have to wait for the subway if you can't afford taxis like me. Plus there is SO much to do that it gets overwhelming. I also want to share these experiences with John, so that also removes a ton of motivation. However, I feel guilty at the same time. I am living in NYC, spending a crap load of money doing so and I don't even really experience the city's life.

I also am conflicted with continuing to live here or not. So here's the rundown. When I went to Arizona I had a complete ball. I really love Arizona, surprisingly. I used to hate it before, but something switched (I blame John) and now I really like it, and I love experiencing things with John there. When I left, which was a week ago, I had like a one week meltdown. I'd say yesterday was the first day I was feeling a little better. Mainly it's because I left John, but also being here in NYC, I feel so alone and lost and empty. I feel that maybe if acting was going somewhere further I wouldn't feel SO incomplete here, but that is basically going in circles. I also am spending money to do nothing much go to school, send out headshots and work at a restaurant on the weekends. I'm not trying to play the weeping violins here, but I'm allowed to vent. I do like NYC though. I like the weather and the fact that there are 4 distinct seasons. I like the history and the architecture and the city life. I hate the cluster of people, the arrogance of people and the constant high volume which forces me to repeat how exhausting it is. I also hate how freaking expensive it is to live here when I live in a cubical. I also hate that I'm without John.

So this leads me to the point. Come August the lease ends here. Come August my sister's husband's sister is moving here, meaning she wants to live with us. Come that time I need to decide whether I a) want to continue living here or b) move home. If I continue living here then I must decide whether I 2a1) want to live with the whole gang or 2b1) the sis and I move out. If we all live together we'd 3a1) stay in same apartment but the sis and I share a room so it'd be like $450 per person or 3b1) we move to a three bedroom apartment but rent would be like $1000 AND we'd have to sign a 2 year contract. If the sis and I moved out together rent would be like $1000 but no 2 year contract. (I don't like the 2 year contract...feels so constricting). Or I could move back home where I could 2a2) take a one year hiatus and be with John/work to save money 3b2) try to do theater locally and work to save money 4b2) go to school study linguistics and give acting up or 5b2) go to school study a class or two, work and try to do theater.

See...I'm a hot mess because I don't know what to do. I could leave NYC, but I'd also feel guilty because all this year would be a waste. I wouldn't feel like I experienced enough, did enough. However, I don't know what else I can do to help further my acting career. I'm not really a hardcore party person and I don't know how else to meet people besides acting classes and seminars and mail outs, which is what I'm already doing. However, I'm so broken and tired of being without John. I also like Arizona and I love languages and I still love acting. I'm so confused man and this is what's driving me insane.

I don't know what to do. Sigh.